do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
