I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
