We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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