I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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