I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
