Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
