when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
