I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
