His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
