The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
