I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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