She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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