Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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