This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize