I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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