I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize