this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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