Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
