Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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