My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
