I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
