The maid of honor just puked.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
the day after is always just damage control
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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