i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize