She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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