accomplished twins. life is a go
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
