You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
