It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
