I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think my moral compass just broke
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
