I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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