Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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