Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
