i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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