What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
