Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
only you would photoshop your dick
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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