I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
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