i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
