I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
