I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
