Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
