Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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