How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
