Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
