so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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