Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
