I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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