i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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