somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
