I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
