apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
