12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
