just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
