I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
