A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
