To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
