Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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