After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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