Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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