Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize