i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
