My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
