herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
